It's been a little too long since I've journaled for the sake of journaling. Perhaps because I've been in touch enough with myself lately to deem it unnecessary, but suddenly (not a few seconds ago, actually) I felt compelled to record my thoughts as they flow.
I've been writing in preparation for a contest on the theme of war, and after I finished the pieces I plan on submitting, I didn't read them. The deadline is midnight tonight, and I just finished my final editing and read-throughs. I surprised myself, one way or another; layers of symbolical subtleties overlapping each other, themes I don't remember writing or planning coming to surface. I remember writing the pieces, of course, remember carefully picking through words and phrases and becoming comfortable with them.
Originally, the topic of war seemed almost inexpressibly broad, not to mention ugly in a fashion that I myself am afraid of. It sickens me, to know that the human condition (if that's the scapegoat this week) can drive us to such odds with each other...such odds that we would kill to settle them. Such that loved ones are transformed into shadows, or may retain themselves, but are never quite the same again. To experience even the most indirect effects of war can startle one into a spiral of deep contemplation and seemingly endless distaste for humanity. On the same spectrum and to the same extent, many individuals may live through wars and walk through the fire unscathed; some seem even to traverse the bloodied paths without even noticing the flames that lick their heels.
I'd invite everyone to think about all the broad things that way...it makes me cry every now and then, but not always out of any negative energy flow.
I'd like to remind some of you, especially those of you in your last year or two of high school or college, that many of your classmates (perhaps even you) may join some branch of our nation's fabulous military, for which I have the utmost respect and admiration. Whether they do this out of the pure desire to, because they need to pay for school, because they have nowhere to go, because they want to travel, or because that'so just their niche, some of the people that have been a tiny but distinct part of your entire life will join up, and some will not return. This is not a "worst-case scenario" sort of statement- people you know are going to die fighting, or just doing their jobs, or doing nothing in particular at all.
"To those that are about to die, we salute you."
...respect takes on an entirely new meaning when you realize that another person is not only capable of but efficient at living a lifestyle and doing a job that you yourself could never see yourself whole in. It is almost a baffling realization...and my heart aches for the friends, family, classmates, and coworkers I have had that have chosen the path of the soldier, for whatever reasons they may have; may my best wishes and hopes find them with my prayers.
Rough waters ahead, I wager.
May 31, 2011
Dec 27, 2010
Drama
I'm actually so tired of it that I'm willing to write a few people off.
Got into a really good conversation on white guilt the other day. When minorities are racist against Caucasians and Caucasians shy away and just put up with it because they feel guilty for what their alleged ancestors may or may not have done to those of minorities, it only makes them ignorant and weak.
Know your history and ancestry folks.
MY ancestors didn't do anything to anyone else's.
On my mother's side, I am Scottish and Cherokee. My Scottish ancestors were enslaved and used by the British until they finally gained their own independence. My Cherokee ancestors had their land taken from them and were persecuted and killed by *gasp* white people...
On my dad's side, we have Scottish, German, and Dakota Sioux. Once again my Native American ancestors were taken horrible advantage of. My German grandmother fled Nazi Germany and came to the United States, where she married a Scottish immigrant who lived up north.
In conclusion...NONE of MY ancestors owned anybody but themselves. The few ancestors I had in the South before the American Civil War were so dirt poor that they rarely owned a mule, much less another human being.
White folks, know your heritage.
Aside from that, there is not a single soul alive today that suffered during the oppression of slaves during the 1860's...so chill out. I wasn't there, you weren't there, no one living now was there or had anything to do with it. So chill out.
That is all.
~W.V.~
Got into a really good conversation on white guilt the other day. When minorities are racist against Caucasians and Caucasians shy away and just put up with it because they feel guilty for what their alleged ancestors may or may not have done to those of minorities, it only makes them ignorant and weak.
Know your history and ancestry folks.
MY ancestors didn't do anything to anyone else's.
On my mother's side, I am Scottish and Cherokee. My Scottish ancestors were enslaved and used by the British until they finally gained their own independence. My Cherokee ancestors had their land taken from them and were persecuted and killed by *gasp* white people...
On my dad's side, we have Scottish, German, and Dakota Sioux. Once again my Native American ancestors were taken horrible advantage of. My German grandmother fled Nazi Germany and came to the United States, where she married a Scottish immigrant who lived up north.
In conclusion...NONE of MY ancestors owned anybody but themselves. The few ancestors I had in the South before the American Civil War were so dirt poor that they rarely owned a mule, much less another human being.
White folks, know your heritage.
Aside from that, there is not a single soul alive today that suffered during the oppression of slaves during the 1860's...so chill out. I wasn't there, you weren't there, no one living now was there or had anything to do with it. So chill out.
That is all.
~W.V.~
Dec 20, 2010
Destined (Or Not)
I always had this nice little idea that my life would go somewhere, even if I didn't know where that place was, and that it would do so because it was supposed to, whether I tried to assist it or not...I'm not entirely sure how I feel about anything anymore.
I was madly in love once...and he slipped through my fingers like smoke...and now every good memory hurts to recall and every conversation ends in anger...we're so different. I thought I understood why it all happened though, because the Most High has someone else for me, someone better who can be what I need AND what I want...
And now I'm afraid that he too will fade away at a whim and leave me penniless, broken, defeated, and, most painfully, alone...
A huge part of me says I keep getting betrayed/distrusted/abandoned/screwed in life because I keep expecting someone to love me, someone to be responsible, someone to take care of me...and in only the most basic ways...the same part of me also prods, "If your mother couldn't love you and wouldn't care for you, how could anybody else?"
The stronger part in me, the hope, tells me that I don't expect too much, but maybe that I just need to do my best to prove that I am worth the effort...but that's what I've done so far and it is never, ever enough...
Maybe I am just...not meant for love...maybe my immense understanding of it prohibits me from it by some cryptic natural law...But why should I be allowed to taste it but never embrace it? He is not that cruel, He would never let me be hurt over and over and over and over again unless there was some relief on the way...unless there was a purpose to my pain...
I'm going to return to the bedroom now and ponder my life, and likely cry quite a bit...but it'll be worth it in the end if I can just figure out what I'm breathing for.
I was madly in love once...and he slipped through my fingers like smoke...and now every good memory hurts to recall and every conversation ends in anger...we're so different. I thought I understood why it all happened though, because the Most High has someone else for me, someone better who can be what I need AND what I want...
And now I'm afraid that he too will fade away at a whim and leave me penniless, broken, defeated, and, most painfully, alone...
A huge part of me says I keep getting betrayed/distrusted/abandoned/screwed in life because I keep expecting someone to love me, someone to be responsible, someone to take care of me...and in only the most basic ways...the same part of me also prods, "If your mother couldn't love you and wouldn't care for you, how could anybody else?"
The stronger part in me, the hope, tells me that I don't expect too much, but maybe that I just need to do my best to prove that I am worth the effort...but that's what I've done so far and it is never, ever enough...
Maybe I am just...not meant for love...maybe my immense understanding of it prohibits me from it by some cryptic natural law...But why should I be allowed to taste it but never embrace it? He is not that cruel, He would never let me be hurt over and over and over and over again unless there was some relief on the way...unless there was a purpose to my pain...
I'm going to return to the bedroom now and ponder my life, and likely cry quite a bit...but it'll be worth it in the end if I can just figure out what I'm breathing for.
Nov 16, 2010
Speak in Terms of Unity
And the followers will listen.
Tonight may very well be a good night. Or it could be terribly mediocre. We shall see.
Lots of good things waiting to happen. I hope they decide to do so soon..."Living on a Prayer" never seemed so valid a compilation of lyrics.
Tonight may very well be a good night. Or it could be terribly mediocre. We shall see.
Lots of good things waiting to happen. I hope they decide to do so soon..."Living on a Prayer" never seemed so valid a compilation of lyrics.
Nov 12, 2010
Holiday Wishes
So after my last post I went home and reflected on all my holidays past.
So far I've spent all my Thanksgivings and Christmases with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my uncle, my stepdad and his family, and/or David and his family. Though we all live in the same town, I've never seen all of those people on the same holiday...
I've come to the conclusion that food, movies, TV, decorating, gifts, small and occasionally charming traditions, and lots of stress and arguing are the things that more or less sum up my holiday experiences in my nearly 19 years on earth...and a lot of those things are great. A few are aggravatingly commercialized, and the last few are infuriating and defeat the purpose of gathering together to celebrate in the first place.
So, I composed the following list of holiday wishes for the years to come, for however many I may have the liberty of celebrating:
1.) I want to celebrate with genuine people, people who love life, who appreciate it, and who know how to live it. I want to be surrounded with a small group of people that really cherish the point of it all.
2.) I want to cook holiday meals with good friends and family (whatever that may be...they tend to be one and the same for me), and enjoy food seasoned with good conversation, not just for the sake of eating it because it's the holidays.
3.) I want to look outside in the morning and see snow- legit snow. Not the occasional centimeter of cold, watery mush we get here.
4.) I want to do all the charming little traditions I've always done with someone special, somebody that appreciates and enjoys them...and to start new ones.
5.) I want to sit in front of a lit fireplace and talk about dreams and fears and memories with somebody that loves me, someone I don't have to be afraid of loving back...to share stories and make memories, to laugh and smile and reminisce late into the night.
6.) I want to do all the little things for whatever family I may have one day, to attend to the tiny details that make them smile.
7.) I want to walk along in a park and watch the sunset cuddled up on a park bench, then take shelter in some cozy little restaurant somewhere and celebrate how beautiful life can be.
8.) I want to actually talk about what we're thankful for, unashamedly.
9.) I want to build a snowman that can't be upended by a stiff breeze.
10.) I want the real gifts to be the ones in our hearts and minds, and the ones under the tree to be only mementos of them.
That is, in ten points, what I would love for at least one of my holiday seasons to be like. What this one will bring, who can say? I can't...but I have my hopes and I have my dreams, and maybe one day they'll be real.
"I like to compare the holiday season to the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending."-Fred Rogers
"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere close to sea."-Algernon Charles Swinburne
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."-Garrison Keillor
So far I've spent all my Thanksgivings and Christmases with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my uncle, my stepdad and his family, and/or David and his family. Though we all live in the same town, I've never seen all of those people on the same holiday...
I've come to the conclusion that food, movies, TV, decorating, gifts, small and occasionally charming traditions, and lots of stress and arguing are the things that more or less sum up my holiday experiences in my nearly 19 years on earth...and a lot of those things are great. A few are aggravatingly commercialized, and the last few are infuriating and defeat the purpose of gathering together to celebrate in the first place.
So, I composed the following list of holiday wishes for the years to come, for however many I may have the liberty of celebrating:
1.) I want to celebrate with genuine people, people who love life, who appreciate it, and who know how to live it. I want to be surrounded with a small group of people that really cherish the point of it all.
2.) I want to cook holiday meals with good friends and family (whatever that may be...they tend to be one and the same for me), and enjoy food seasoned with good conversation, not just for the sake of eating it because it's the holidays.
3.) I want to look outside in the morning and see snow- legit snow. Not the occasional centimeter of cold, watery mush we get here.
4.) I want to do all the charming little traditions I've always done with someone special, somebody that appreciates and enjoys them...and to start new ones.
5.) I want to sit in front of a lit fireplace and talk about dreams and fears and memories with somebody that loves me, someone I don't have to be afraid of loving back...to share stories and make memories, to laugh and smile and reminisce late into the night.
6.) I want to do all the little things for whatever family I may have one day, to attend to the tiny details that make them smile.
7.) I want to walk along in a park and watch the sunset cuddled up on a park bench, then take shelter in some cozy little restaurant somewhere and celebrate how beautiful life can be.
8.) I want to actually talk about what we're thankful for, unashamedly.
9.) I want to build a snowman that can't be upended by a stiff breeze.
10.) I want the real gifts to be the ones in our hearts and minds, and the ones under the tree to be only mementos of them.
That is, in ten points, what I would love for at least one of my holiday seasons to be like. What this one will bring, who can say? I can't...but I have my hopes and I have my dreams, and maybe one day they'll be real.
"I like to compare the holiday season to the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending."-Fred Rogers
"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere close to sea."-Algernon Charles Swinburne
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."-Garrison Keillor
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)