Something's Gotta Give

And soon. Cause this is some serious mess.

I have amazing friends. I really do, though they are only a few. They are always willing to help, or try to help, and a few of them love me back. That's all anyone can ask for.

"From the top to the bottom
(Bottom to top I stop)
At the core and forgotten
(In the middle of my thoughts)
Taken far from my safety
(The picture's there)
The memory won't escape me,
But why should I care?"

My bad. Songs play in my head occasionally. *wink* Google synesthesia.

That was "Forgotten" by Linkin Park by the way.

"Monster.
How should I feel?
Creatures lie here,
Looking through the window...
That night he caged her,
Beat and broke her...
He struggled closer
Then he stole her..."

"Monster", Meg & Dia

It's strange...every truly good person that I know is going through some seriously bad crap right now. Death, disease, heartbreak, hatred...it doesn't make a lot of sense, but there's something beautiful about overcoming something tough when you shouldn't have to.

"Beautiful is empty.
Beautiful is free.
Beautiful loves no one.
Beautiful stripped me..."

Creed, "Beautiful"

Money, they say, is neither good nor evil; amoral. So is beauty, or status, or any other structural tool of society...society itself is amoral...so I suppose that legalism reigns true. We are all naturally evil because humanity makes us selfish to a "t".

This just about sums up my feelings lately.

"'You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You have never conceived enough
And now you must rise above'

Rescue me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I'd die for you
Bow to me and I bow to you;
I will never forsake you.

They will never see...
I will never be...
I've struggled on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me..."

"Lies" by Evanescence. Please look it up (playlist.com), you really have to hear it to understand.

I also recommend Lacuna Coil. Italian hard rock band that sings about 95% in English. Female lead and male member also sings...they're very unique.



So anyway, I've been having some really majorly fmylife.com moments. All at once. "Epic fail" describes everything that happens to me. Disease, fights, drama aside from the fights, car broke down and turned out to have tons of stuff wrong with it, David is gonna be gone really soon, and work is beating the crap out of me, plus I'm really uberbusy and my back is as bad as it's ever been. I really would like to take exams and run away to Alaska so I can chill with the caribou. Caribou don't treat you like crap, they just crap on you on occasion, but that sounds pretty much cool to me right about now. Caribou sound nice.

So okay. My stepdad comes in the other night...well, I'll start from the beginning.

I'm listening to music with Nate, about to get in bed, and I've got one hand with wet nail polish on it and the other halfway done. Mom comes halfway down to the hall towards my room and hollers something about could I come do something to the laundry. I still don't know what she said, but I figured she meant switch the laundry over, which sounded fine to me. I hollered back okay, and proceeded to blow my nails dry (wet nails+wet laundry=stained laundry and messed up nails). They dried in about four minutes and I dragged myself out of against the will of my insanely sore back, went down the hall, and headed to the laundry room. I pass Mom in the living room and she says, "Well, don't worry about it, he already got up and did it," so I look up and my stepdad is dragging laundry out of the laundry room. I was like, oh okay...I had it, but okay, whatever. I go back to my room. Few minutes later my stepdad appears in my doorway and stares at me blankly as though he intended to tell me something but noticed a large and mysterious bird of prey perched on my head and therefore could not speak. I assume (correctly) that this means he will not speak until I turn my music down. Without prompting, I do so.
Then the rant begins. "Your mom told you twice to get the laundry but you don't show up for ten minutes and you'd better start pulling your weight around here cause I can't deal with everything by myself and at least your brother takes the dog and the garbage out-" ....blah, blah, blah, blah, expletive, blah.

Then he fishes for a pity party and gets not one word out of my mouth, so he storms off.

First thing's first:

1. I heard Mom once. I had music on and she didn't feel like walking into my room and asking me face to face. So sue me.

2. Do you want nail polish stains on your laundry? Cause after that rant I wouldn't mind leaving a few.

3. Five minutes, maybe. My computer has an accurate clock on it, and I didn't keep anyone waiting for ten minutes.

4. No one asked you to walk all of ten feet from the couch to the laundry room so that you could beat me to the task and then come chew me out because I'm apparently just not good enough. You weren't even half done when I got there, so if you would have waited thirty seconds I could have been there and had it done.

5. My brother is an introverted middle schooler who had no job, no extracurricular activities, no advanced classes, and no life outside of a clipboard and a PS2.

6. You don't know what you're talking about, get out of my room before I go off.

7. You're not my father and you never will be. You don't know me. I don't know you, and I don't particularly care to. I'm only really concerned about living through high school. So bite me.

So, of course, I said none of that, and I'm not going to. Because he doesn't care if he doesn't know all the information or if he's cruel or unfair or overreacting. And if he doesn't care, complaining just digs a deeper hole.

Fights over stupid things accomplish nothing except making people look unnecessarily belligerent and making me lose lots of respect for them. So sue me.

Anyway, life is...moving along. My mom and I seem to finally have a chance to get close again, which, if accomplished, would probably draw my whole family together in the end, but since I can't comfortably interact with her because of my stepdad's constant persistence about being too involved in everything, I don't see that happening for about ten more years.

On a cheerful note, the caribou population is up. And I've put out some good art and poetry lately, which no one whose opinion I would really love to hear is paying attention to. I am, as always, madly in love... :') ...and, as said above, it's all we naturally evil beings could ever ask for. To ask more would be more insane than I feel and a little less insane than we all actually are.

"I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
That dreams of when I'm dying are the best I've ever had.
I find it hard to tell you...
I find it hard to take...
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world."

~Gary Jules, "Mad World"~