I always had this nice little idea that my life would go somewhere, even if I didn't know where that place was, and that it would do so because it was supposed to, whether I tried to assist it or not...I'm not entirely sure how I feel about anything anymore.
I was madly in love once...and he slipped through my fingers like smoke...and now every good memory hurts to recall and every conversation ends in anger...we're so different. I thought I understood why it all happened though, because the Most High has someone else for me, someone better who can be what I need AND what I want...
And now I'm afraid that he too will fade away at a whim and leave me penniless, broken, defeated, and, most painfully, alone...
A huge part of me says I keep getting betrayed/distrusted/abandoned/screwed in life because I keep expecting someone to love me, someone to be responsible, someone to take care of me...and in only the most basic ways...the same part of me also prods, "If your mother couldn't love you and wouldn't care for you, how could anybody else?"
The stronger part in me, the hope, tells me that I don't expect too much, but maybe that I just need to do my best to prove that I am worth the effort...but that's what I've done so far and it is never, ever enough...
Maybe I am just...not meant for love...maybe my immense understanding of it prohibits me from it by some cryptic natural law...But why should I be allowed to taste it but never embrace it? He is not that cruel, He would never let me be hurt over and over and over and over again unless there was some relief on the way...unless there was a purpose to my pain...
I'm going to return to the bedroom now and ponder my life, and likely cry quite a bit...but it'll be worth it in the end if I can just figure out what I'm breathing for.
Dec 20, 2010
Nov 16, 2010
Speak in Terms of Unity
And the followers will listen.
Tonight may very well be a good night. Or it could be terribly mediocre. We shall see.
Lots of good things waiting to happen. I hope they decide to do so soon..."Living on a Prayer" never seemed so valid a compilation of lyrics.
Tonight may very well be a good night. Or it could be terribly mediocre. We shall see.
Lots of good things waiting to happen. I hope they decide to do so soon..."Living on a Prayer" never seemed so valid a compilation of lyrics.
Nov 12, 2010
Holiday Wishes
So after my last post I went home and reflected on all my holidays past.
So far I've spent all my Thanksgivings and Christmases with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my uncle, my stepdad and his family, and/or David and his family. Though we all live in the same town, I've never seen all of those people on the same holiday...
I've come to the conclusion that food, movies, TV, decorating, gifts, small and occasionally charming traditions, and lots of stress and arguing are the things that more or less sum up my holiday experiences in my nearly 19 years on earth...and a lot of those things are great. A few are aggravatingly commercialized, and the last few are infuriating and defeat the purpose of gathering together to celebrate in the first place.
So, I composed the following list of holiday wishes for the years to come, for however many I may have the liberty of celebrating:
1.) I want to celebrate with genuine people, people who love life, who appreciate it, and who know how to live it. I want to be surrounded with a small group of people that really cherish the point of it all.
2.) I want to cook holiday meals with good friends and family (whatever that may be...they tend to be one and the same for me), and enjoy food seasoned with good conversation, not just for the sake of eating it because it's the holidays.
3.) I want to look outside in the morning and see snow- legit snow. Not the occasional centimeter of cold, watery mush we get here.
4.) I want to do all the charming little traditions I've always done with someone special, somebody that appreciates and enjoys them...and to start new ones.
5.) I want to sit in front of a lit fireplace and talk about dreams and fears and memories with somebody that loves me, someone I don't have to be afraid of loving back...to share stories and make memories, to laugh and smile and reminisce late into the night.
6.) I want to do all the little things for whatever family I may have one day, to attend to the tiny details that make them smile.
7.) I want to walk along in a park and watch the sunset cuddled up on a park bench, then take shelter in some cozy little restaurant somewhere and celebrate how beautiful life can be.
8.) I want to actually talk about what we're thankful for, unashamedly.
9.) I want to build a snowman that can't be upended by a stiff breeze.
10.) I want the real gifts to be the ones in our hearts and minds, and the ones under the tree to be only mementos of them.
That is, in ten points, what I would love for at least one of my holiday seasons to be like. What this one will bring, who can say? I can't...but I have my hopes and I have my dreams, and maybe one day they'll be real.
"I like to compare the holiday season to the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending."-Fred Rogers
"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere close to sea."-Algernon Charles Swinburne
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."-Garrison Keillor
So far I've spent all my Thanksgivings and Christmases with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my uncle, my stepdad and his family, and/or David and his family. Though we all live in the same town, I've never seen all of those people on the same holiday...
I've come to the conclusion that food, movies, TV, decorating, gifts, small and occasionally charming traditions, and lots of stress and arguing are the things that more or less sum up my holiday experiences in my nearly 19 years on earth...and a lot of those things are great. A few are aggravatingly commercialized, and the last few are infuriating and defeat the purpose of gathering together to celebrate in the first place.
So, I composed the following list of holiday wishes for the years to come, for however many I may have the liberty of celebrating:
1.) I want to celebrate with genuine people, people who love life, who appreciate it, and who know how to live it. I want to be surrounded with a small group of people that really cherish the point of it all.
2.) I want to cook holiday meals with good friends and family (whatever that may be...they tend to be one and the same for me), and enjoy food seasoned with good conversation, not just for the sake of eating it because it's the holidays.
3.) I want to look outside in the morning and see snow- legit snow. Not the occasional centimeter of cold, watery mush we get here.
4.) I want to do all the charming little traditions I've always done with someone special, somebody that appreciates and enjoys them...and to start new ones.
5.) I want to sit in front of a lit fireplace and talk about dreams and fears and memories with somebody that loves me, someone I don't have to be afraid of loving back...to share stories and make memories, to laugh and smile and reminisce late into the night.
6.) I want to do all the little things for whatever family I may have one day, to attend to the tiny details that make them smile.
7.) I want to walk along in a park and watch the sunset cuddled up on a park bench, then take shelter in some cozy little restaurant somewhere and celebrate how beautiful life can be.
8.) I want to actually talk about what we're thankful for, unashamedly.
9.) I want to build a snowman that can't be upended by a stiff breeze.
10.) I want the real gifts to be the ones in our hearts and minds, and the ones under the tree to be only mementos of them.
That is, in ten points, what I would love for at least one of my holiday seasons to be like. What this one will bring, who can say? I can't...but I have my hopes and I have my dreams, and maybe one day they'll be real.
"I like to compare the holiday season to the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending."-Fred Rogers
"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere close to sea."-Algernon Charles Swinburne
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."-Garrison Keillor
Nov 9, 2010
Getting Back Around to Christmas
It's getting nearer and nearer to the holidays, and I find myself sitting on the porch and pouring a little or my drink (*wink wink*) into the dirt and thinking about an old friend. December 28th, 2008...I wonder how many people that he touched even remember the date of his death? I celebrate this Christmas in an entirely new way...with not a single blood relative, not a single old friend or classmate. The tail end of this year marks the very beginning or what I believe will be the life I have longed for all along, only not recognized. But, as I celebrate in whatever way I will, I will remember to be thankful for my very life, and to remember its losses...
R.I.P D.C.
You are missed, and our memories of you bless us every day
I've never quite been in the housing/financial situation I am in right now. Never was injured and had to worry about how to clean the wounds or was sick and couldn't take some cough syrup...life is funny that way. Just as we overlook nature, we tend to take the smallest modern conveniences for granted just as often. I wonder sometimes whether anyone ever legitimately finds a proper balance of respect and appreciation for their lives? That would be a feat to be marveled at...
I keep thinking back to past holiday seasons and means by which they were celebrated...where I spent them, who I spent them with, what I did, what I didn't do, what I liked and disliked most. I believe I will go home shortly (after walking to buy some groceries; I am currently on a computer at the public library and am in something of a rush) and make a list on paper of the things I like, dislike, and remember about the holidays. I think I'll make a list of things I look forward to in future seasons, also.
Have a great night, guys. Much love,
~W.V.~
R.I.P D.C.
You are missed, and our memories of you bless us every day
I've never quite been in the housing/financial situation I am in right now. Never was injured and had to worry about how to clean the wounds or was sick and couldn't take some cough syrup...life is funny that way. Just as we overlook nature, we tend to take the smallest modern conveniences for granted just as often. I wonder sometimes whether anyone ever legitimately finds a proper balance of respect and appreciation for their lives? That would be a feat to be marveled at...
I keep thinking back to past holiday seasons and means by which they were celebrated...where I spent them, who I spent them with, what I did, what I didn't do, what I liked and disliked most. I believe I will go home shortly (after walking to buy some groceries; I am currently on a computer at the public library and am in something of a rush) and make a list on paper of the things I like, dislike, and remember about the holidays. I think I'll make a list of things I look forward to in future seasons, also.
Have a great night, guys. Much love,
~W.V.~
Oct 31, 2010
Eventually
Everything will be alright, eventually.
It's about time to invest in myself. I've always known I have a ton of potential, and I'm getting tired of not using it...or at least tired of only using it in ways that benefit others but not myself. It's time to start looking into ways to make money and to go to school...time to stop wishing that my family cared and that my friends were all trustworthy...time to take matters into my own hands and make the hard decisions and make a move instead of standing still and hoping. Time to take risks. Time for change of any kind.
Time to live, and really savor life...the way I used to. Time to remember that everything is beautiful, even the awful things...even the painful things.
Today I woke up in a new place once more, only this time I feel like it may lead me to somewhere that matters...to a life utilized for something of real, respectable worth. I hope that's true. Wanna publish some writing soon, but need to worry about necessities and getting on my feet first. That's about all...things are all business now, and it's funny how that affects one's typical train of thought. It's much more difficult to really enjoy myself these days...but somehow, I'm still doing it.
Viva la vida!
~W.V.~
It's about time to invest in myself. I've always known I have a ton of potential, and I'm getting tired of not using it...or at least tired of only using it in ways that benefit others but not myself. It's time to start looking into ways to make money and to go to school...time to stop wishing that my family cared and that my friends were all trustworthy...time to take matters into my own hands and make the hard decisions and make a move instead of standing still and hoping. Time to take risks. Time for change of any kind.
Time to live, and really savor life...the way I used to. Time to remember that everything is beautiful, even the awful things...even the painful things.
Today I woke up in a new place once more, only this time I feel like it may lead me to somewhere that matters...to a life utilized for something of real, respectable worth. I hope that's true. Wanna publish some writing soon, but need to worry about necessities and getting on my feet first. That's about all...things are all business now, and it's funny how that affects one's typical train of thought. It's much more difficult to really enjoy myself these days...but somehow, I'm still doing it.
Viva la vida!
~W.V.~
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