Drama

I'm actually so tired of it that I'm willing to write a few people off.

Got into a really good conversation on white guilt the other day. When minorities are racist against Caucasians and Caucasians shy away and just put up with it because they feel guilty for what their alleged ancestors may or may not have done to those of minorities, it only makes them ignorant and weak.

Know your history and ancestry folks.

MY ancestors didn't do anything to anyone else's.

On my mother's side, I am Scottish and Cherokee. My Scottish ancestors were enslaved and used by the British until they finally gained their own independence. My Cherokee ancestors had their land taken from them and were persecuted and killed by *gasp* white people...

On my dad's side, we have Scottish, German, and Dakota Sioux. Once again my Native American ancestors were taken horrible advantage of. My German grandmother fled Nazi Germany and came to the United States, where she married a Scottish immigrant who lived up north.

In conclusion...NONE of MY ancestors owned anybody but themselves. The few ancestors I had in the South before the American Civil War were so dirt poor that they rarely owned a mule, much less another human being.

White folks, know your heritage.

Aside from that, there is not a single soul alive today that suffered during the oppression of slaves during the 1860's...so chill out. I wasn't there, you weren't there, no one living now was there or had anything to do with it. So chill out.

That is all.

~W.V.~

Destined (Or Not)

I always had this nice little idea that my life would go somewhere, even if I didn't know where that place was, and that it would do so because it was supposed to, whether I tried to assist it or not...I'm not entirely sure how I feel about anything anymore.

I was madly in love once...and he slipped through my fingers like smoke...and now every good memory hurts to recall and every conversation ends in anger...we're so different. I thought I understood why it all happened though, because the Most High has someone else for me, someone better who can be what I need AND what I want...

And now I'm afraid that he too will fade away at a whim and leave me penniless, broken, defeated, and, most painfully, alone...

A huge part of me says I keep getting betrayed/distrusted/abandoned/screwed in life because I keep expecting someone to love me, someone to be responsible, someone to take care of me...and in only the most basic ways...the same part of me also prods, "If your mother couldn't love you and wouldn't care for you, how could anybody else?"

The stronger part in me, the hope, tells me that I don't expect too much, but maybe that I just need to do my best to prove that I am worth the effort...but that's what I've done so far and it is never, ever enough...

Maybe I am just...not meant for love...maybe my immense understanding of it prohibits me from it by some cryptic natural law...But why should I be allowed to taste it but never embrace it? He is not that cruel, He would never let me be hurt over and over and over and over again unless there was some relief on the way...unless there was a purpose to my pain...

I'm going to return to the bedroom now and ponder my life, and likely cry quite a bit...but it'll be worth it in the end if I can just figure out what I'm breathing for.

Speak in Terms of Unity

And the followers will listen.

Tonight may very well be a good night. Or it could be terribly mediocre. We shall see.

Lots of good things waiting to happen. I hope they decide to do so soon..."Living on a Prayer" never seemed so valid a compilation of lyrics.

Holiday Wishes

So after my last post I went home and reflected on all my holidays past.

So far I've spent all my Thanksgivings and Christmases with my grandparents, my mom, my brother, my uncle, my stepdad and his family, and/or David and his family. Though we all live in the same town, I've never seen all of those people on the same holiday...

I've come to the conclusion that food, movies, TV, decorating, gifts, small and occasionally charming traditions, and lots of stress and arguing are the things that more or less sum up my holiday experiences in my nearly 19 years on earth...and a lot of those things are great. A few are aggravatingly commercialized, and the last few are infuriating and defeat the purpose of gathering together to celebrate in the first place.

So, I composed the following list of holiday wishes for the years to come, for however many I may have the liberty of celebrating:

1.) I want to celebrate with genuine people, people who love life, who appreciate it, and who know how to live it. I want to be surrounded with a small group of people that really cherish the point of it all.
2.) I want to cook holiday meals with good friends and family (whatever that may be...they tend to be one and the same for me), and enjoy food seasoned with good conversation, not just for the sake of eating it because it's the holidays.
3.) I want to look outside in the morning and see snow- legit snow. Not the occasional centimeter of cold, watery mush we get here.
4.) I want to do all the charming little traditions I've always done with someone special, somebody that appreciates and enjoys them...and to start new ones.
5.) I want to sit in front of a lit fireplace and talk about dreams and fears and memories with somebody that loves me, someone I don't have to be afraid of loving back...to share stories and make memories, to laugh and smile and reminisce late into the night.
6.) I want to do all the little things for whatever family I may have one day, to attend to the tiny details that make them smile.
7.) I want to walk along in a park and watch the sunset cuddled up on a park bench, then take shelter in some cozy little restaurant somewhere and celebrate how beautiful life can be.
8.) I want to actually talk about what we're thankful for, unashamedly.
9.) I want to build a snowman that can't be upended by a stiff breeze.
10.) I want the real gifts to be the ones in our hearts and minds, and the ones under the tree to be only mementos of them.

That is, in ten points, what I would love for at least one of my holiday seasons to be like. What this one will bring, who can say? I can't...but I have my hopes and I have my dreams, and maybe one day they'll be real.

"I like to compare the holiday season to the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending."-Fred Rogers

"From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere close to sea."-Algernon Charles Swinburne

"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together."-Garrison Keillor

Getting Back Around to Christmas

It's getting nearer and nearer to the holidays, and I find myself sitting on the porch and pouring a little or my drink (*wink wink*) into the dirt and thinking about an old friend. December 28th, 2008...I wonder how many people that he touched even remember the date of his death? I celebrate this Christmas in an entirely new way...with not a single blood relative, not a single old friend or classmate. The tail end of this year marks the very beginning or what I believe will be the life I have longed for all along, only not recognized. But, as I celebrate in whatever way I will, I will remember to be thankful for my very life, and to remember its losses...

R.I.P D.C.
You are missed, and our memories of you bless us every day

I've never quite been in the housing/financial situation I am in right now. Never was injured and had to worry about how to clean the wounds or was sick and couldn't take some cough syrup...life is funny that way. Just as we overlook nature, we tend to take the smallest modern conveniences for granted just as often. I wonder sometimes whether anyone ever legitimately finds a proper balance of respect and appreciation for their lives? That would be a feat to be marveled at...

I keep thinking back to past holiday seasons and means by which they were celebrated...where I spent them, who I spent them with, what I did, what I didn't do, what I liked and disliked most. I believe I will go home shortly (after walking to buy some groceries; I am currently on a computer at the public library and am in something of a rush) and make a list on paper of the things I like, dislike, and remember about the holidays. I think I'll make a list of things I look forward to in future seasons, also.

Have a great night, guys. Much love,
~W.V.~

Eventually

Everything will be alright, eventually.

It's about time to invest in myself. I've always known I have a ton of potential, and I'm getting tired of not using it...or at least tired of only using it in ways that benefit others but not myself. It's time to start looking into ways to make money and to go to school...time to stop wishing that my family cared and that my friends were all trustworthy...time to take matters into my own hands and make the hard decisions and make a move instead of standing still and hoping. Time to take risks. Time for change of any kind.

Time to live, and really savor life...the way I used to. Time to remember that everything is beautiful, even the awful things...even the painful things.

Today I woke up in a new place once more, only this time I feel like it may lead me to somewhere that matters...to a life utilized for something of real, respectable worth. I hope that's true. Wanna publish some writing soon, but need to worry about necessities and getting on my feet first. That's about all...things are all business now, and it's funny how that affects one's typical train of thought. It's much more difficult to really enjoy myself these days...but somehow, I'm still doing it.

Viva la vida!
~W.V.~

A Meditation on Love

I wrote this out on paper just because I wanted to feel a pen beneath my fingers gliding through the words, but I knew that I’d eventually post it here.

The human condition is one huge, fascinating paradox to me, and I find the knowledge that no one will ever completely understand it to be far more humorous than vexing. One attribute of humanity that I think puzzles all of us is the most cliché and controversial of human devices: our capacity for love. Love itself is the cause of such an enormous uproar in human cultures globally. I speak from experience as I write that even those souls which are fortunate enough to taste love first-hand and fully embrace it do not ever entirely comprehend it. So, here and now, I present a few of my notions and contemplations on the concept of love. It’s one of those things that can only very poorly be put into words, but I shall do as best I can.

The word itself is so overused, not to mention misunderstood. Love is not an emotion or even the sense of completion that a loved one may bring to one’s life, but is rather the choice to put another person before oneself day by day. This is where the thin, tragically blurred line between loving someone and being in love with someone is drawn; when one loves someone they are absolutely beautiful, but when one is in love with someone they are absolute beauty. To be in love is not to make the object of one’s affections the core of one’s world, but is to relate one’s world to one’s significant other. Love is not an unstoppable force which binds people together without fail, but is the daily choice people must make to avoid failing one another.

Love is the most fervent madness the human soul may know, but is in the same instant the most resolute form of order on the planet. Love feels understated even when expressed through the sacrifice of human life, and yet can be fully conveyed through the simplest actions and gestures. Love is a feature of all intelligent species, yet is only worshipped and romanticized by ours. It is a razor-sharp blade, the tip of which we spend so much of our lives longing to balance upon. Don’t take me for a cynic; I have been cut many times and bleed copiously in the name of that blade, but I still believe in its virtue, and I still believe that it is one of the greatest treasures of life that one can possess. The trick of the balancing act is to cherish every second at the top knowing that sooner or later you will be at the bottom. All marriages end in death or divorce; love is only as lasting as we are, and is often only as lasting as our wills for it are, no matter how intense its presence may be in our lives. Love can be a sword or a shield, and is sometimes both at once. It may be a gift or a curse, or may phase from one into the other. Love is forever coveted, even when it has already been achieved. It’s the most intravenous high to be had, and, when abused or lost, can cause withdrawals or injury; it’s the hardest drug on earth.

Some believe love is only a chemical creation, a result of just the right combination of sympathy and sexual interest, a psychological anomaly in response to the mingling of personalities and random stigma. Others believe love is predestined, some component of destiny or product of fate, a force of nature that acts upon whichever souls it chooses to, a wayward agent of the powers that be. I believe that love is all of those things, both random and set, and that it’s so much more, and less, all at once.

Love is patient, kind, and understanding. If God is love and all things are possible through God, all things must be possible in love. Love is an incomprehensively big thing that’s all about the little things.

Love’s about pulling a blanket over them when they fall asleep on the couch during a movie. Love is about smiling past the faults and pet peeves at the tiny pieces of perfection behind their eyes, even if you’re the only one that sees them. Love is about finding pleasure in watching them sleep or being brought to tears by their smile. Love is about letting them cry on your shoulder and being brave enough to cry on theirs. Love is compromise, communication, passion, hope, determination, and all the little spaces in between. Love is the answer to its own question, a mystery and yet a fact of life. Love is both a factor and a product of hope in many ways.

In the end, love is valued for the same reason our loved ones are; brilliance despite imperfection. To many love is a dream or a fantasy, but to others it is a very real source of pride and strength. To me, it is all those things. Power rests with those willing to risk everything to seize it, and love is the prize so often eludes the powerful. It takes serious strength to love with all one’s being, but strength and obstinacy should not be confused. The love should be wielded like a fine weapon; carefully and with great responsibility and skill.

“Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength.” -Henry Ward Beecher.

Truth?

Even the truth is suspect once it leaves a person’s mouth.

I’ve realized it’s pretty much a waste of energy to insist that my mother hear me out…she knows the truth, but refuses to acknowledge it, and the louder I scream it the more it sounds like a lie.

There are plenty of things I’d scream about, but I have neither the energy to nor the faith that anyone would listen.

It’s approaching 2 weeks that I haven’t heard from David…I don’t know how to feel about that. There was a span of silence last month that lasted longer than 2 weeks…and I don’t know how I’ll get through that kind of anxiety again. I’d like to give a shout out to deviantART and the amazing people that are using it to make the world a more diverse and interesting place. Here’s my page, check my gallery and those of my watchers:

http://www.wolvenvengeance.deviantart.com

“I’ve been building scars up, putting flames out with my fingers.

Tell me when my time’s up so my hope no longer lingers.

Then say no more, say no more, say no more…

‘Cause this is the sound of hurt, unrehearsed,

And it’s alright!

So what are you waiting for?

You can’t ignore the sound

Of someone breakin’ down.”

-”This is the Sound” by The Exies

Things change so fast. We don’t realize it most of the time, and I think that’s why we waste so much of our lives. I was thinking just the other day about an entire shopping complex…I remember it when it was just a gorgeous, grassy hill full of hay bales, but practically no one else does. I keep wondering if my special tree is still standing, or if the field it stood in has been converted into a parking lot yet. I’m not saying development is bad; I’m just saying things are constantly in motion, phasing from one thing into another in ways that are sometimes so subtle that we don’t realize it’s happening until it’s over.

There’s a 99.9% likelihood that I’ll be married in less than a month. What I’ll be doing or where I’ll be is a mystery thus far, but I’m both quite excited and quite nervous. It would be nice if I’d actually heard from my fiancée in the last few weeks…that would probably put most of my worries to rest as quick as a wink.

“And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

And you may find yourself in another part of the world,

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house

With a beautiful wife,

And you may ask yourself,

‘Well, how did I get here? Well, how did I get here?’

Letting the days roll back…

Into the blue again,

After the money’s gone,

Once in a lifetime…”

-”Once in a Lifetime” cover by The Exies

As you’ve probably noticed, I’m listening to The Exies at the moment. Their music generally both calms and inspires me, and that’s a good thing for me right now. A friend’s work recently inspired me to experiment with comics, which I have done. I’m eager to see how I develop at it.

Did anyone else see President Obama on The View? You could tell Woopie Goldberg was cheesin’ so bad. He’s actually a very good speaker, though my position on politics is “WTF” 24/7...I don’t know if I’ll ever feel strongly enough about an issue to make as much of an ass out of myself as some of these politicians do on TV. So props to Mr. Obama, he keeps his cool.

A short story I started to supplement my novel is slowly coming together into something I think I will be able to be very proud of. I’m also working on a short story for dA and the occasional poem or piece of art for my gallery. I think I’ll ask D for a premium membership as part of my wedding present…just to see what it’s like. If I don’t think it’s worth the money after a year, I’ll just drop back down to a regular membership. There really aren’t that many notable differences…by that I mean that a lot of the benefits of having a premium dA account are trivial, like enabling journal skins, advertising on the banners, etc., but if the critique feature allows me to get a little more attention and notoriety then I’m all for it. Art and writing is my greatest passion, and even if it’s only a hobby and I never make any noteworthy amount of money with it, I’d still like people to know I’m out there.

Ever use formspring.me? It’s completely pointless, but occasionally nice to quell boredom with. I recommend quizilla.com as usual, but that’s probably just because that’s where my online writing venture started J

Well…life is moving along. Time to move with it and dance every step that I can.

Clouds

I had a memory a few days ago of something a friend said to me once. When he did it caught me off guard, not only because it was incredibly random but because I had never before thought about what he said. “You know clouds weigh thousands of tons? They’re massive bodies of ice…but they float in the sky above our heads.”

I got a little freaked out when I thought about it. Clouds are huge and remarkably heavy…but they float, higher than any living creature can fly without the assistance of machines. While my friend looked at the marvel of condensation from a scientific standpoint and I from a more spiritual one, we were both fascinated with how clouds exist.

When I was reminded of that conversation recently, I began thinking more about how we can relate the human spirit to clouds. The reason they fascinate us is not simply physical; we wonder how anything that feels heavy could float.

I think that maybe hope is the one thing that we have to have to understand the clouds. Not hope like the way we think about hope, either. People say, “I hope the weather is good today”, “I sure hope she starts feeling better”, or “All we can do is hope,” without even thinking about what they’re saying; They use hope in place of “wish”. To hope is not to wish or will that something will happen or be a certain way that is convenient…hope is knowing in the core of one’s being that something will be.

I have hope that no matter how bad things get, they will eventually get better.

Whether life has a good or bad ending all depends on where you stop the story…so I just keep writing mine.

Hope is what really separates us from most other species; we have the ability to think beyond the present, beyond circumstance, and beyond ourselves and say, “It’s gonna be okay. Let’s just keep going.” We have that ability, and we so rarely use it. Discouragement becomes a disease when the discouraged cannot keep it in check…I of all people know that. To look up at the clouds makes me feel comforted, but not because they’re shaped like cute animals or because they’re fluffy or colorful or pretty in any way. They comfort me because they are. They are so heavy, and they just float on until they dissipate, as though without a care.

Take a minute and just think about that.

We can’t be that heavy and float on without a care…but we can float on. I think human beings get so caught up in ourselves and our lives that we never really think about anything else…about what our lives could be like if we did things differently, about other people, other places, other possibilities. We allow ourselves to become so tied down by our own worries, paranoia, and fears that we don’t respect or appreciate anything, not even our lives.

Having hope through every storm is not to be accomplished without difficulty. But it is very possible, and it is how we survive. Without hope, we are feel like nothing. With it interwoven into every facet of our lives we become nothing, and are then able to see everything. And when that happens, we realize that everything is beautiful.

When the world is beautiful, we’re become a valuable part of it, and are something once more.

I’m starting to think life is completely cyclical, only with new places and players every lifetime or so. This is a gorgeous system we live in. Enjoy is while you can; when we reach what’s beyond, we’ll never have the chances we have every day of our lives…but there will be many new ones. Maybe when we get there we’ll really understand the clouds. As for now, they’re my reminder that anything is possible under the right circumstances.

Status...

Where to begin?

So much has changed, and so much remains the same. I'm in Florida with my biological father, who I honestly never thought I'd see again. We're a lot alike, and we connected well from the beginning. My stepmom is really cool, and things are generally good.

When I return to Bama I'll be spending a little time with my friends while trying to get my crap together...then I'll be off to South Carolina to watch my David graduate from basic training for the United States Marine Corps...I wish I knew how to describe how proud I am of him. He worked for a year just to get to go to basic...he's wanted this for so long, and even though it's hard on both of us it makes him happy, and seeing him happy makes me happy :) When he returns, we're getting married.

And every time I think that it hits me- I'm getting married! To the love of my life! Things are about to get really difficult...but they'll also be so much nicer.

I just keep thinking about whatever the next step is to make it through...if I try to think beyond the very next step I get very stressed and anxious very quickly. I couldn't be more excited or more nervous or more blessed or more at peace with all my pain...

Life is slowly coming together.

Love,

~W.V.~

SO MUCH

Has happened.

I am now in Florida, reunited with my biological father, here for the summer with my two half-sisters that I only met about 2 weeks ago.

As soon as I graduated my parents shoved me out the door with one bag and $40...and here I am. I'm hoping to be back home (living with everybody's favorite Mexican) sometime in August, and I miss it very much, which is so strange lol. I've learned so much and grown up even since graduation...life is so beautiful you guys, and I see that even though mine is really hard right now.

I've been really creative lately. Check out the works in my gallery at http://www.wolvenvengeance.deviantart.com

I absolutely wish I could tell you how wonderful you are, every last one of my friends. I got close to a few of you, A.M., J.F., G.M., K.E., right before I left, and I miss you guys in an unbelievable way. You're amazing, strong, loving, beautiful people, and I am here for you even when I'm far away. Thank you all so much for helping me through all these rough spots in my life, I love you all so much. I am so blessed to have so many angels in my life :) I could die happy tomorrow knowing I caught a glimpse of what is truly the most beautiful part of the world.

Do please check out my deviantART at the link above and leave comments for me please :)

I'll blog again when I can.

Peace,

~W.V.~

New Short Story

Got a new short story up on the good ol' dA (deviantart.com)...http://www.deviantart.com
Check the place out, it's pretty fun.

I think my addiction to writing has started to rival most of my others lol which is good and bad, I guess.

This is one of those posts like the ones McCurly has all the time.

Peace,
~W.V.~

Another Poem...

Wrote this one today during my government class for no apparent reason. It made so much sense when I finished it- keep in mind that "seraph" in this particular poem refers to the stone carvings of angels that guard tombs and graves, but that the speaker is not necessarily speaking to a dead person.


Seraph's Song

If I were an angel,
As I look to be,
You'd never have to feel alone,
As you'd sit beneath my wings.

Alas, I am no angel;
I do not wish to be.
For for your sake I would shed blood,
Or destroy all living things.

A lover, rogue, guardian, wolf;
I am who I am and I am forsook
By those who I should trust the most;
But a ghost remains of all they took.

I am who I am and I am not proud
That fury and passion and madness abound,
Yet for this world I exist and am whole
In the fact that my life is meant to expose;

The only true stability that chaos brings
Is that I'll always shelter you under my wings.


So that's what came out, and I didn't realize how deep my own words were until I thought about them for a while. I needed poetry today for some reason. Hope you enjoy, but whether you do or not feel free to comment.

Peace,
~W.V.~

Some Voids Ya' Just Can't Fill...

Like the "Jesus-hole" and the part of me that desires above all else to be a good wife to David and a good mother to whatever children we may have...the part of me that wants my family in general to coexist in some way...and things seem to be working to that purpose now, which is really awesome and strange all at once. I keep waiting to wake up.

So I'm 18 now, which I was not the last time I posted. A few things I'd like to note- licking the lens of a several hundred dollar HDV camera in front of McLemore is probably not a good idea, Revis. Just a thought.

Thoughts of the day, for those of you that are still out there...

1. People that try to outrun the police (Dodge chargers) on a crotchrocket (generic Suzuki) are really dumb.
2. The term "cowcatcher" for the pointy grated thing on the front end of old trains should've been called "the random pointed object we put on the front of our engine so we could plow straight through cows that happened to be on the tracks". Trains only went about 30mph back then, so I've always wondered why they didn't notice the cow on the horizon and just put on the brakes? Cow-hating turds ;)
3. If you don't already watch Shane Dawson on Youtube, I really suggest you do. Start with the Twilight spoofs for you vamp fans out there.
4. I realized the other day that I will definitely cry about missing band and my high school posse, but also out of joy that I'll never have to put up with most of those people or those affiliated with them again. Hallelujah.
4. Instead of playing Spadoodle in a car every time you see a car missing a headlight on the road, play it in crowded public places every time you see an ambiguous person. It's frickin' HILARIOUS.
5. I wanna take a trip with MacMoosie to Atlanta to go to Six Flags again before he goes off to Montevallo and leaves me :(...and BATMAN IS AMAZING. Not the ride so much- just Batman himself. Superman The Ride actually owns.

BAND RECOMMENDATIONS!

1. Punk- The Offspring. Note: original punk, not Green Day-style stuff...much funkier ;)

2. Metal- Metallica (of course) and Linkin Park's old stuff. "Hit the Floor"-LP, "Enter Sandman" live in Paris orchestra ver...SUPAFLYAWESOMENESS. I'm making up words these days...

3. Goth- There really hasn't been much good goth music since I was goth. I still only recommend Manson's crazy tail. My personal picks are "The Beautiful People" and his cover of "Sweet Dreams", originally performed by Eurythmics.

4. Conventional Rock- Three Days Grace, Godsmack, Avenged Sevenfold

5. Emo/tech rock/folk-esque- My Chemical Romance, Evanescence (RIP to one amazing band), Lacuna Coil, Panic at the Disco, The Bravery, Muse

6. Experimental- The Flashbulb

7. Techno- DJ Taka, T.A.T.U.

8. Industrial- Nine Inch Nails

9. Pop- Lady Gaga, Owl City, The Beatles (technically vintage rock, but the wave of Across the Universe fans kinda made it have a pop-music comeback)

10. Other- Female-fronted rock- Mandora, Hailstorm- NoGenre- Hania (search newgrounds.com), Andrew Paul Woodworth- Classical- Immortal Beloved (Beethoven), Wagner in general (Hitler loved Wagner for his powerful symphonic sound, you will too. Lol)- Showtunes- RENT, Sweeny Todd, Were the World Mine, Wicked, The Phantom of the Opera- Ethnic- the Fire Requiem (Mare Crisium, Lacus Serinitatis, Flamma Flamma, Erghen Diado), Carmina Burana, Carmen

Peace,
~W.V.~

The Homeless Hanger Incident

So I had the funniest day of my recent life yesterday.

I'm sitting in one of the many practice rooms adjacent to the band room at the school with Andrew and Claire. Kevin, however, was in the practice room next to ours practicing on the xylophone. Within each of the practice rooms in the well-worn, foam-esque ceiling tiles are large holes that were, at some point in the past, made by a mysterious force. In our room, slightly to the left of the space above my head, is a ceiling tile that had been moved over to one side, allowing access to the empty, attic-like space that all the practice rooms share.
So everyone in my room was bored. I was numbering measures in ED's music out of boredom, Andrew was reading, and Claire was chilling. The tiny guard room was filled with awkward silence for several minutes, until, suddenly, Andrew looked up from his book and muttered, "I'm gonna throw something at Kevin."
Claire and I smiled and Claire suggested some small, light object to be chucked through the ceiling. Andrew stands on his chair and gives it a toss. The projectile makes it through the hole in our ceiling, but thumps on the inside of the adjacent room's ceiling tiles. "Missed," I mumbled, not particularly interested in the pastime that has been the undisputed favorite of band students since the ceiling-holes were brought into existence (which was probably around twenty years ago or so).
In search of another projectile, Andrew looks up to the rack of color guard flags and finds a row of empty hangers. He grabs a hanger and Claire and I become a little more interested. Andrew flings the hanger and it bounces off the edge of our ceiling-hole and smacks me in the face. After a small burst of laughter from our group, Andrew picked the hanger back up, and mounted the chair for another attempt.
The hanger disappeared through the ceiling-hole and we heard a thump on the other side, and I assumed it was another miss...until, almost instantaneously with the landing-thump of the hanger, Kevin's xylophone notes stopped dead. Devious smiles appeared on the three pairs of lips in the guard room, and then came the familiar Southern drawl of our band director.
"Kevin, did you see that?!"
Kevin's high-pitched, hysterical laughter rose through the ceiling-hole in his room and into the guard room through ours.
The three pairs of eyes in the guard room widened. Andrew leaped down from the chair and spun to sit in it, grabbing his book. Claire stood up and began spinning a rifle as I began numbering measures again. After a few moments our band director (who, in his cooler moments, we call KoopDawg) enters the room with Kevin trailing behind. Kevin looked like he was about to burst into more laughter if he opened his mouth. KoopDawg stared at the hole in our ceiling.
"Is there anyone up there?"
We answered meekly, "No..."
"Doubt it-"
"No sir..."
KoopDawg pointed from the hanger rack to the hole in the ceiling. "One of those hangers...fell through the ceiling..."
The room was silent as we all sat and waited to get yelled at. All the evidence was on the table; we were sitting beneath a hole in the ceiling that quite obviously connected with the hole in the ceiling of the xylophone room, there was an entire rack of hangers directly above Andrew's head, there was no one more fun to prank than Kevin, and no group of kids looked guiltier than us.
The next words our director spoke shocked us to the core.
"Y'all, my wife works at the library and they had these homeless people hiding in their ceilings. They'd been stepping up on the bathroom sinks and climbing into the ceiling...I think there may be homeless people in our ceilings, walking around on the cinder blocks...I need to call somebody about that and see if they'll come check our ceilings..."
So he leaves and goes to his office to get on the phone.

Really?

Like, seriously?

I've been laughing for two solid days.

KoopDawg, we salute you and thank you for the entire class period of stifled, hysterical laughter.

Life is good.

"Laughter is the spice of life"
Peace out,
~W.V.~

One of Those Times You Just Don't Know What to Say...

So here we are.

Unemployed, by no fault of my own, again, as is D. This economy can't afford to be an economy anymore.

What is there to say?

"How do you connect in an age where strangers, landlords, lovers, your own blood cells betray?"-RENT

Watching Where the Wild Things Are. D is upset tonight, as am I, I suppose. I'd love to light a few candles and some incense and fall asleep for awhile, but I don't see that happening. Sleep is a luxury these days.

Watching this movie reminds me oddly of my childhood. It's quite strange to see something even relatively similar portrayed from the eyes of a child and to begin understanding them through the eyes of an adult.

Universa rei fieri ad tempus...let's hope so. One of those phrases that's an almost startling reckoning, but it's relieving. Like remembering. Like sleep.

I miss so many of you. DC, I hope you can see this, if you're able.

Time to dance *ns ns ns ns ns ns ns ns ns ns*

Wish me luck,
~W.V.~

So I Wrote Something...

Writing hasn't exactly had a high priority with me lately, due to various assignments and issues that have taken up most of my time and creative juices. But, here is an homage to D's persistence in pursuing me, which, when I realized how thankful I was for it, flowed easily onto paper.

Sonnet for an Angel

Always have I seen thy wings
Stayed against thy back,
Beauties that do lack
Use for finer things;
"Fly thee not, my dove,
Away from frigid me?
For it should suit thee to flee
The curse that is my love."
A year I cast thee away
Whilst thou loved me truly,
But at last I asked thee stay
To be loved and cherished dually,
For without thy guiding way,
I would swiftly fade, and fully.

That's it. Hope you enjoyed.

Yours,
~W.V.~

Steeling Oneself

It seems so difficult, but it's so necessary. Being "the strong one" is important, even if it means being the self-loathing, auto-analytic, stoic, brutally honest one...right?

Sometimes forgiving oneself for allowing oneself to be broken is the most difficult thing to forgive oneself for. It is only as a whole person that I can see myself in retrospect, in a million little pieces of glass...glass too sharp for me to pick up. But so many people picked them up anyway, and over time we put them back into an order very close to the right one. Now I'm just too insightful for my own good. Sometimes proper knowledge is enough to drive you crazy, and, in that light, ignorance truly may be bliss. I just don't want to keep myself in the dark ever again.

I refuse to take all the easy ways out.

Bring on the fray.

"I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night,
Shining with the light from the sun-
But the sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming
The moon's gonna owe it one.
It makes me think of how ya' act to me- you do
Favors, then, constantly, ya' just turn around and start askin' me about
Things that ya' want back from me.
I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger,
Sick of you actin' like I owe you this-
So find another way to feed your greed while I find
A place to rest."

~Linkin Park~

Adieu,
~W.V.~